How to support someone who is grieving

Signs of grief

Grief responses can vary, and they can change the way a person normally thinks, acts, and feels. Even though grief affects us all, we may not initially know how to support someone who is grieving. It’s important to remember that these responses can change moment by moment, day by day, and week by week.

Common signs of grief include:

Emotional grief responses

Conflicting emotions, such as sadness and joy
Feeling out of control
Shock
Anger or bitterness
Fear or anxiety
Guilt or regret
Relief
Loneliness
Numbness
Helplessness or hopelessness

Physical grief responses

Hollow feeling in stomach
Heaviness in chest and limbs
Crying or sighing
Lump in throat
Digestive problems
Headaches
Weaker immune response
Racing heartbeat
Higher blood pressure

Mental grief responses

Difficulty concentrating or remembering
Trouble making decisions
Blaming oneself or others for what happened
Thinking “if only” something had been different or that something “should have” been different
Recurring thoughts about death or dying
Trying to make sense of what happened
Sudden rushes of memories

Behavioral grief responses

Isolating from family or friends
Avoiding reminders, or focusing on reminders
Blaming others
Using more alcohol or other substances
Researching or reviewing facts about what happened
Losing one’s temper

Grief changes over time

Grief responses can be strong and nearly constant in the days and months after a significant loss. Little by little, these responses can change, and slowly but surely, the grieving person may start to resume day-to-day activities.

However, reminders, or “triggers,” of their loss can happen when it’s least expected. You may notice that reactions often follow grief triggers like:

The calendar day the loss occurred
Holidays
Birthdays
Marriage anniversaries
Weddings and new births
Particular songs or locations

When someone you love is re-experiencing signs of grief

It’s normal for people who have experienced a loss to mourn, regardless of how much time has passed. Here are a few suggestions for how to support someone who is grieving:

Honor the memory of their loved one. Tell stories, look at photos, volunteer for a cause they care about, or start a tradition in their honor. Visit a gravesite or memorial, write them a letter, or go to their favorite restaurant.
Build a community. Offer to put them in touch with others who have experienced a significant loss. This may be an opportunity for the grieving person to talk to people in the community, hear their stories, and reflect upon their experiences.
Hold boundaries and safe spaces. Acknowledge the importance of quiet time. Whether it’s being out in nature or practicing a meditation exercise, carving out time away from distractions and noise may be helpful as they heal.
Be present. Allow the grieving person to openly share what they’re feeling without trying to “fix” things or offer advice. Ask how you can help, and follow through on your commitment to support. Encourage them to seek grief counseling if needed.

People experiencing loss may not always know when a grief trigger is coming. Sometimes triggers happen randomly or as a result of an unexpected reminder. Although it’s harder to plan ahead in these instances, you can still support them in managing their feelings connected to grief.

Helping others navigate grief with care

The loss of a loved one can change anyone, but mourning the loss and expressing feelings are natural parts of grieving. If you know someone mourning a loss, Lyra can help.

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